When someone very close to me told me he was depressed and needed professional help, it blew me, and my cover apart. It exposed my own depression that has shadowed me my whole life. This was bulls**t! I hated this familiar, festering fiend that freely oozed its poison into every all my interactions. If I was to ever help anyone else or myself, I had to do whatever it took to free me from this self inflicted condition and its debilitating effects
Yeah, been there, done that!
Wallowing in my self-pit-y pit is not comforting at all. It’s not where I want to be. It’s where I bury my insecurities and failures to keep them out-of-sight, but it’s also where I naturally gravitate. It’s a well-worn path, hewn out of habit and, to be frank, sometimes where I choose to go. The best I can do to describe the pit is gray, oozing slime, isolated from any life form. I’m never very far away because it reaches out with sticky, stringy tentacles, dragging me in at every opportunity. Not cold or hot, it’s a sickly, shallow, hypnotically uncomfortable-comfortable lukewarm ooze that envelops me down. Years of bad experiences, shortcomings, failure and trauma that shaped my life from as early as I can remember suck me deeper. In its clutches, infection seeps into deepest thoughts. Its paralysis numbs reason and action, draining every sensible will, injecting futility and unreasoned fear till my bones stiffen and my blood runs cold.
This sucks!
Man, what a gross and hopeless picture. I realized that I have and had to get out (deliberate tense statement) … permanently, clawing, struggling with all I can muster against the sucking vacuum, forcing will into my bones, transfusing hope into my bloodstream. I think that it is true to say that for some it’s a little easier. I’m not sure where I fall into that measure. But, somewhere, I have learned a few lifeline tools that help me. In part, it’s because I seem to have this innate ability to see beyond me. Have you ever been in a situation where you know the right thing to do-you know the “how” and “what”- but you don’t do it? This is what I am talking about. I seem to have tools, but there were times when I didn’t know how to use them, lacked the will or simply allowed the situation overwhelm me, then the pity-pit beckoned...
This is where I am at.
Not every tool works every time, but, heck, it’s a toolkit and something fits or you make it fit…or figure out how to get more tools.
Here’s what I mean
I had a really bad week last week. I totally bombed on a simple presentation. I still cringe when I think about it. Days later, recalling even the slightest memory of it makes me blurt out “IDIOT! How could you do that??” It hurts! I know I can do better but I choked. I over-thought it and crashed. The client has been kind, but I know I blew it. Then, I realized that if I didn’t get more work in January…I’m screwed by February (I work for myself). And there were way too many extra expenses this week. Great, money worries!! On top of that, my son told me he was depressed… I dived into the pit and…well, wallowed. And the story continues.
