Depression Day 1

I am a nobody in an everybody’s world

This is bulls**t!

When someone very close to me told me he was depressed and needed professional help, it blew me, and my cover apart. It exposed my own depression that has shadowed me my whole life. This was bulls**t! I hated this familiar, festering fiend that freely oozed its poison into every all my interactions. If I was to ever help anyone else or myself, I had to do whatever it took to free me from this self inflicted condition and its debilitating effects

Yeah, been there, done that!

Wallowing in my self-pit-y pit is not comforting at all. It’s not where I want to be. It’s where I bury my insecurities and failures to keep them out-of-sight, but it’s also where I naturally gravitate. It’s a well-worn path, hewn out of habit and, to be frank, sometimes where I choose to go. The best I can do to describe the pit is gray, oozing slime, isolated from any life form. I’m never very far away because it reaches out with sticky, stringy tentacles, dragging me in at every opportunity. Not cold or hot, it’s a sickly, shallow, hypnotically uncomfortable-comfortable lukewarm ooze that envelops me down. Years of bad experiences, shortcomings, failure and trauma that shaped my life from as early as I can remember suck me deeper. In its clutches, infection seeps into deepest thoughts. Its paralysis numbs reason and action, draining every sensible will, injecting futility and unreasoned fear till my bones stiffen and my blood runs cold.

This sucks!

Man, what a gross and hopeless picture. I realized that I have and had to get out (deliberate tense statement) … permanently, clawing, struggling with all I can muster against the sucking vacuum, forcing will into my bones, transfusing hope into my bloodstream. I think that it is true to say that for some it’s a little easier. I’m not sure where I fall into that measure. But, somewhere, I have learned a few lifeline tools that help me. In part, it’s because I seem to have this innate ability to see beyond me. Have you ever been in a situation where you know the right thing to do-you know the “how” and “what”- but you don’t do it? This is what I am talking about. I seem to have tools, but there were times when I didn’t know how to use them, lacked the will or simply allowed the situation overwhelm me, then the pity-pit beckoned...

This is where I am at.

Not every tool works every time, but, heck, it’s a toolkit and something fits or you make it fit…or figure out how to get more tools.

Here’s what I mean

I had a really bad week last week. I totally bombed on a simple presentation. I still cringe when I think about it. Days later, recalling even the slightest memory of it makes me blurt out “IDIOT! How could you do that??” It hurts! I know I can do better but I choked. I over-thought it and crashed. The client has been kind, but I know I blew it. Then, I realized that if I didn’t get more work in January…I’m screwed by February (I work for myself). And there were way too many extra expenses this week. Great, money worries!! On top of that, my son told me he was depressed… I dived into the pit and…well, wallowed. And the story continues.

It's a great time of the year

No snow yet. it's the warmest Fall we have experienced here in Canada. Don't know whether I'm sad about it though. It means that we don't have to climb the mountain of discarded layers of clothing at the front door. It also means that I'm not getting the white stuff down my neck when I, in my desperate hurry, am feverishly shoveling it over my shoulder to get the driveway clear in the morning.

Instead, the kids are still outdoors...not that the snow would stop them, but we can recognize them without the aforementioned layers and they are still playing basketball and skate-boarding. Just try that in the snow.

I will always have the niggle in the back of my mind when work seems to be slow and with one eye on the finances, it can be tough during this time of buying excess (Christmas), but this is going to be the best Christmas ever!! I just want to appreciate my circumstance and the people around me a little more. One thing about life is the stress is a really brutal burglar. It's scary how worrying about something completely absorbs your focus, and leads into a lifelong habit pattern of focusing just on that. Before you know it, you've lost years of appreciating friends, family, and other great stuff that happens all the time.

Day 31

Got really busy in my new venture, and real estate is now premium in this household. My workspace is no bigger than the average bathroom (I mean toilet, bath, basin and narrow trough between)...and come 2:45pm it becomes "rush hour". Kids come home and have to get on their FB account. It's a life-or-death thing...I don't get it. I'm just an adult - and don't understand life's complexities, yahh!

With 3 computers crammed in the previously described space, it becomes an exercise in Twister trying to figure out a workaround. With some deft manouvering and bone-cracking acobatics, my foot is messaging something on some FB account (which, by the look of horror on the kids face as it cranes over my distorted frame to take a quick look, is going to cost me) while another kids elbow is playing havoc with my groin and its butt has crunched my keyboard and irrevocably altered a design I spent the good part of the morning agonizing over...actually, it seems to be an improvement.

As I puzzle over how a random butt imprint could improve my design and the implications of that, and after some brief and often high-shrilled negotiation, order is temporarily restored, and the business of trying to earn a living, and saving the world with "hi...whatsup? ...nthing...u?" has eventually downgraded the threat levels to Code Orange, I can resume the dream. Life is good.

I'm running my own show. Now what?

Going out on my own is not the most logical thing I have done. With 3 kids to feed (where do they get their appetite), a not-so-great economic climate and definitely mixed with a tinge of "what-the...am-I-doing" and a lot of bravado, I stepped over the edge. It's not quite free-fall, and taking control of your own destiny seems perfect in concept but paradoxical in reality. You're free to to be your own boss but am controlled by, for the most part, my bank account. But, and it is a big BUT, very few people I know are fortunate enough to get a chance to realize a dream.

Ok, it's debatable about whether I am just crazy (most of my friends think so), and yes, there's risk, and a big responsibility that goes with it. I have never been more challenged. I have to give this a shot and failure in this instance is not always...well, failure (explain later). There's lots of lessons to be learnt, and opportunities. It's a roller coaster ride - full of thrills and chills.